Caring For An Elderly Parent: Groundhog Day!

I was visiting with mom one Sunday and she asked if my husband and I were going out somewhere for work. I mentioned it was Sunday and we don’t go anywhere for business on the weekends. I’m not sure why, but for some reason that moment stuck with her.

Now it’s Tuesday – I stopped in to see Mom and I seemed to startle her when I walked in the back door. She looked at me and said, “I’m surprised to see you since you told me you were having an “alone day” since it’s Sunday.” First of all, I told her it was Tuesday and that I’ve never wanted an “alone day” ever. After arguing about that for some time, we figured out that Mom was either dreaming or hallucinating – I’m going with the second one.

Now it’s Wednesday – my husband and I are in a business meeting and I see that Mom has called through a few times. So I stepped out of the meeting to call her and make sure she was OK. I mentioned we were in a meeting and she said, “But it’s Sunday, you said you don’t go anywhere on Sundays.”

Now it’s Thursday – my husband and I are traveling and Mom calls to see if I’m home. I let her know that we are on the road and will be back later that evening. Then she says to me, “But it’s Sunday, you said you never go anywhere on Sundays.” WOW – I wonder why she is stuck on Sunday?

What I Learned: How fragile the mind can be… 🙁

Note: My post title references the movie Groundhog Day, 1993, where Bill Murray relives the same day over and over.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: One Too Many!

May12

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Tired of Being Tired

May9

The weekend is here and this is the time my husband and I really enjoy our time together. We relax, we watch movies, we stay up late. Wrong night to stay up late! Mom called at 4 am sounding confused and disoriented and wanted me to go over and help her. Well I’ve only been in bed for a couple of hours and I’m in one of those dazed states – you know the one, where you’ve been in a deep sleep and then suddenly woken up. I try to help her over the phone so I don’t have to get my tired butt out of bed, but I succumb to her pleas.

So I get over there and Mom is sitting in her kitchen, obviously confused. I asked her if she knew what time it was and she said, “Yes, 4 in the afternoon”. Oh geeze…. I explained the actual time to Mom, asked what was going on and if she was OK. She told me she was hungry but was weak and didn’t feel like making anything. She then asked me to get her a piece of bread. Really? She called me over at 4 am to get her a piece of bread?

Unfortunately, being a little dazed and confused myself, I kinda lost it. I told Mom that it wasn’t right that she calls me at 4 am to get her a piece of bread and that if she needed that kind of assistance she needed to get a caregiver. Dang! That sounded mean.

After I calmed down and got Mom her piece of bread I apologized for “barking” at her. I made her something better to eat and sat with her for a while and then suggested she get some sleep. She did.

Next morning when I stopped over to make sure she was doing OK, she was in a fantastic mood and didn’t even mention our 4 am “chat”. Just as well…

What I Learned: Caring for my ageing parent is difficult at times, but it’s also difficult for Mom.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: I Wrote It Down

May5

Here’s a little back history on my mom…. for as long as I can remember, my mom wrote notes for everything. But as she’s been ageing and beginning to lose her memory, she’s been keeping a log of her day to day events. Before she moved here she had sticky notes all around her house reminding her of every day tasks. Since she’s been living with us she hasn’t done the sticky note thing, but she does keep her note pad filled. OK, not a bad idea for remembering things – even I write things down so I don’t forget. But mom writes EVERYTHING down – the time she wakes up, when she goes to the bathroom, when she takes her meds (that’s a good one though), when and what she eats, if she hears noises, what time the lawn people come…. I mean everything!

I stopped in to see Mom when we got home from our busy day and she seemed in such a great mood. She told me she had a wonderful day and wasn’t confused of what day or time it was and everything was ticketyboo! I’m thinking, awesome! This is the way I love to see my mom. So I went in her kitchen to check her medication containers (like I always do) to make sure she had taken what was needed and I noticed that Friday’s pill was missing. Hmmm…. today is Thursday. So I questioned Mom and she said she was sure she did everything right because she wrote it down. I checked her note pad and sure enough she did write it down – unfortunately she also wrote down that today was Friday.

I explained what she had done but she didn’t want to accept the fact that she wrote the wrong day down – she even tried to blame it on her cell phone for saying the wrong day. And even though she was upset and getting angry, I let her know that it was not a big deal – I’d just move the pills around so that everything was placed right again. But that wasn’t good enough for her…. noooo. Now the reason for her writing the wrong day down was because I’m having her use the pill containers which she doesn’t like using. She never had a problem with writing things down before I made her use the containers!

Somehow I knew she was going to blame me.

Note: I got the pill containers to help Mom remember what days to take her meds. It’s also a great way for me to check that she is taking her meds properly – it obviously works for me!

What I Learned: Losing memory can be very hard for some – I know it is for Mom. I’m trying to be understanding.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Days and Confused

May2

Today was crazy! Even I was confused. It actually started yesterday – here’s a rundown of the events:

Yesterday, Mom wanted to go for dinner but my husband and I were not really in the mood for that, so I mentioned to Mom that we’d see how our day went and let her know later. So later, when we got home, I went over to Mom’s to let her know that we would not be doing dinner – she was asleep on her sofa. So I called her name trying to wake her up (she always wants me to wake her up if she’s sleeping when I come in) and she mumbles something. I asked her if she wanted to keep sleeping and she said “yes”.

So a couple hours later I went back over and she was still asleep so I left. Again, a couple hours later I went back and she’s STILL sleeping (yes…. I checked – she was breathing!) So I left her a note that I was there a few times, put the time on the note and mentioned I’d see her tomorrow. I left the note on top of her cell phone so she wouldn’t miss it (the first thing she does when she wakes up is call me), and off I went to bed.

Today was busy for me and my husband – we had some meetings and travelling to do, so we were gone all day. Mom called me while we were on the road wondering if I was OK because I told her I’d be over and we’d maybe go for dinner. I explained to Mom where we were and she was wondering why I hadn’t been over to see her. I asked her if she got my note – she had not. [But I placed it on top of her cell phone – she would have had to move the note to call me…. hmmm].

So I gave her the run down of me stopping by yesterday but she wouldn’t believe me that she slept all that time. For some reason Mom doesn’t want anyone to know that she sleeps a lot – maybe sleeping is a sign of old age and “winding down” for her. So I told her I’d stop in when we got home even though it would be late – she seemed fine with that.

We got home earlier than expected – around 8 PM – and I stopped in to see Mom, even though I was tired from our long day. Mom was so confused about where the days went – she had no idea that she slept most of yesterday away and she wasn’t even sure if it was 8 o’clock in the morning or night. So after a long discussion of explaining what day it was and her arguing with me about sleeping yesterday away, I said my goodnights (there’s always a few because she tries to keep me as long as possible) and left – I think more confused than when I arrived!

What I Learned: My mom doesn’t want to accept the fact that she’s ageing – and I don’t blame her.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Creative Caring (and maybe a lie or 2)

Apr28

So Mom has been living with us for about 3 months now and I have to admit that it has been a little stressful. My husband and I are having a tough time adjusting to our new living arrangement and we’ve had more “discussions” about Mom than anything else. One good thing is that my husband and I have always been open and honest with each other and always tell each other what is on our minds. Maybe some of what was on our minds should have stayed there.

When I look back, I realize we truly didn’t understand what we were getting into. Everyone we talked to said “Don’t do it!”, and now I understand that those are the people that DID do it. They know how much of a strain it can have on a relationship and how much stress can come from caring for an elderly parent.

This is all so new to us and I can’t stress enough how important it is to talk with your significant other about how you feel, but most importantly about how they feel. When it all comes down to it, who is going to be there for you – not your ageing parent. So my theory – find the needs of my ageing parent without losing the needs of my spouse.

One of the hardest things I find to deal with is the fact that if I tell my mom the truth she turns it against me and makes me feel guilty. For example, one evening I told her my husband and I were going to go for a drive and have dinner. Well… wasn’t I a selfish person for not wanting to include her and why wouldn’t I think about taking her with us. That made me feel bad even though I really didn’t want to include her – I just wanted a nice outing with my husband – that made me feel guilty. How do you explain to your mom that you don’t want to be with her without hurting her feelings?

So from here on in, my husband and I decided to handle situations so they worked for us. Yes, sometimes it involved not quite telling the truth, and some of the things we do may seem juvenile to some, but it works for us. I don’t feel guilty about doing it either because I am taking control of my life and this is the only way it will work having Mom live with us.

What I Learned: Get creative in the way you handle situations with an ageing, elderly parent.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Setting Up Doctors

Apr25

Today is the start of setting up Mom’s new doctors. I thought it best to have someone who specializes in Gerontology, and after hours of reading bios online and going over them with Mom, we chose a doctor we thought would be best for mom’s situation. I set up an appointment and we met with the doctor a few days later.

The first meeting went well and Mom thought the doctor was quite nice…. for a male! Mom would have preferred a female doctor but there are few of them in our area that specialize in Gerontology and traveling any distance in Los Angeles is quite a challenge, so I thought I would make it more convenient for my husband since he is the one doing the driving. I chose a doctor a few miles from where we live who is also associated with the nearest hospital – his office is right across the street from the hospital which I thought may come in handy at Mom’s age.

I was with Mom through the whole visit and helped her answer questions the doctor asked. Mom had a hard time remembering things but I was able to fill in the gaps. The doctor examined Mom, did height, weight, blood pressure, and did a complete blood work up. He was impressed with how well she looked but was concerned with her Osteoporosis so he ordered a bone density test. The one good thing about being associated with, and close to a hospital is that everything Mom needs is right close by. So we left the office feeling very good about our choice in doctors – now we just needed to wait for Mom’s test results.

We decided to take Mom for lunch after her appointment, which somehow becomes a ritual after all her appointments. Although my husband and I don’t mind going for lunch, Mom uses lunch to prolong her time out. I totally understand that she wants as much time with us as possible, but after hours of taking her to the doctor and then another couple of hours at lunch, my husband and I have had enough. It’s just a little overwhelming – mainly because we are not used to this routine but also because everything we do with Mom is just – so – slow. Like I’ve said before, I’m not ready to slow down, so it’s a little stressful.

But hey…. it has to be done so we will persevere.

What I Learned: A lot of energy is spent going slowly – I’m not ready for that yet.

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Grocery Shopping Blues

Apr21

Caring For An Elderly Parent: The 5 Pound Purse Revisited

Apr18

Caring For An Elderly Parent: Family Ties

Apr14

Now Mom Needs Me

My Journey Caring For My Elderly Parent