“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Today we did some running around – grocery shopping first. My husband dropped us off thinking we’d be 30 minutes or so – Mom can’t usually last much longer than that. Well I guess that B12 she is taking is really kicking in because she had more energy today than I’ve seen in a long time. She wanted to do every isle and then the deli…. oh no, not the deli! She likes the deli because she can sample things – and usually not like any of
it.
Finally she bought some tofu (protein – yay!) and then it was off to the salad bar. Really Mom? It’s not Marie Callender’s. Then she spots something that looked familiar but she wasn’t quite sure what it was. It kinda looked like a kidney bean only white…. and bigger…. and flatter. So she stands there staring at it for what seemed to be forever, and then she grabbed the serving spoon. I knew exactly what was going to happen next, but before she had the chance I said “I don’t THINK so – that’s just wrong on every level.” I definitely got the evil eye, but she put the spoon down. That would have been embarrassing! Time to go…. next stop, the drug store.
As usual, I was just going to run in, grab her drugs, and run out. But, of course, Mom wanted to run in with me. Well, at 88 years of age there is no “running” in and there is definitely no “quickly” about it. But I complied (reluctantly) and off we went.
I’ll be honest, one of the hardest things having Mom with us is how our life has slowed down when we’re with Mom. My husband and I have so much energy and we love just whipping around places and getting things done. We never spend an hour or two grocery shopping, and I’m just not ready to slow down. I think most of my stress comes from the waiting – it takes Mom 5 minutes just to slide her butt out of the car!
Later that night, Mom realized that her drugs came with the wrong lids – she needs the lids which are easier to get off. So she decided to call the drug store and let them know. Well, Mom is not the best with technology and the cell phone seems to confuse her more than anything, but she gave it a shot anyway. She dialed the number, but instead of pushing the “talk” button she pushed the “4” button which is right under the talk button and is also the speed dial for our son. Yup! You guessed it…. the phone rang right to CM. He answers and says, “Hi Grandmommy.” Well of course my mom is taken aback and asked, “Is this CVS?” Our son replied, “It’s CM, Grandmommy.” After a few times back and forth of that, my mom finally said, “CM, what are you doing at CVS?”
Well you can imagine the conversation that came next…. you gotta love it!
What I Learned: I’m not ready to slow down but realize that one day, I too will. Live it up while you can!
Tag Archive | elderly
Caring For An Elderly Parent: The 5 Pound Purse Revisited
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
I just had another conversation with my mom about her heavy/cumbersome purse and how it is not only too heavy but it gets in the way of other people. She swings it over her shoulder not giving any thought to who is around – I told her she needs to be careful or she’ll hurt someone.
Sure enough, the very next day while we were leaving Denny’s, Mom walks out the door and attempts to swing her 5 lb weight over her shoulder and…. WHAM! She nails a woman who was walking out behind her right in the gut. The poor woman curls over in pain – she couldn’t have weighed 100 lbs. I’m pretty sure my mom didn’t realize what happened until my husband and I reacted – Mom looked pretty confused. And get this, after we got through our apologies, Mom blamed it on ME! She said I jinxed it. Somehow I knew it would be my fault.
But I do think Mom is re-thinking the 5 lb purse… we’ll see.
What I Learned: It may take an incident to make something understood…. and keep your distance from a woman with a 5 lb purse!
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Family Ties
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
A very cool day for Mom today – our son (Mom calls him CM) took her to “work” with him. You see, our son is an ac
tor and had an audition and because he knows the casting director so well he knew she wouldn’t mind Mom tagging along. It was pretty awesome for Mom to see a little bit of the process he’d been telling her about for the last 8 years. Although Mom couldn’t go in the actual room where he met with the casting director, Mom got to wait in the waiting area and met the CD when she came out with our son. They had a little chat and Mom even told her she did some acting when she was younger – I’m sure Mom will get a call for her next acting gig pretty soon… LOL.
After our son’s audition, Mom wanted to go to a little french organic restaurant just down the street from us. I let her know it would be pricey but she wanted to go anyway. It was pricey alright! One small cheese blintz, two small pieces of quiche, one small personal pan pizza and four coffees…. $32.00! Well you know Mom, she complained the whole way home and said…. “It must be California!”
While I’m talking about our son…. the other day I was at Mom’s and she said she felt like having an egg sandwich but didn’t have any eggs. I knew our son had some because he just made that awesome birthday cake for her, so I told her that he had eggs. Well, Mom looked at me funny and said she didn’t really understand what I was saying – it just sounded all garbled. So I told her again that our son has eggs. Then she looked at me with wide eyes and said, “CM has AIDS?!” I’m not sure why I fell to the floor laughing but you should have seen her face… hahaha! I told her not to start that rumor.
One thing that is good about having Mom live here with us is that she’s getting to know her grandson – and he’s getting to know her.
What I Learned: Family ties are important… and our son is awesome!
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Healthy Practices… And Cake!
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Let’s see – this was somewhat of an uneventful week with Mom. Oh wait… the vitamin issue! Ok, we all know that vitamin supplements are good for us, especially as we age and particularly if we don’t eat properly. So I’m having this conversation with Mom about how she’d feel better if she made proper dietary choices and took vitamins – at least a multi vitamin. She’s really fighting me on this issue for some reason – not sure why.
I talked with my sister-in-law who is a doctor and works with geriatric patients and she gave me a list of vitamins Mom should be taking to help her situation. Nothing major, just a multivitamin (like I told her), B-12 and D. Sounds about right to me – that’s what I even take. So I talked to Mom about taking them, she agreed, so I first bought her a multi vitamin. I thought everything was OK until she hit me with the “sodium” ingredient on the box, which happens to be in the area that has no amount listed because it is so insignificant that it means absolutely nothing. WOW! It’s just a vitamin – I can’t believe we are having this discussion about vitamins – geeze! Sodium? Really? This coming from someone who consumes soup – have you checked the sodium levels there? Oh well, I just acquired another bottle of multi vitamins! I’ll keep working on it.
The end of the week was a bit more eventful. It was Mom’s birthday so we took her for a drive to the beach and then out for dinner – no, not Denny’s. When we got home our son surprised her with a cake he had baked all by himself – candle and all! The only candle on the cake was a number 8, but if you look at both sides it’s 88. What a nice surprise – Mom was so happy.
Way to go son!
What I Learned: It’s difficult trying to change someone who is set in her ways, but be persistent.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Living With OCD
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Today wasn’t too bad – although my husband may beg to differ. We took Mom to the grocery store to pick up a few things; the usual routine – help Mom down her steps, help her to the car, help her with her seat belt, run back to close and lock her doors, jump in the truck and off we go! In the short time that I was locking up her place, Mom had my husband seeing red – and I missed the whole thing. Of course, my husband filled me in later.
I knew Mom had an issue with seeing out the window (which is totally weird because she never opens her blinds in her h
ouse) because I learned that from our infamous RV trip across the country. What I didn’t know is how OCD she is. You see, my husband had his jacket hung on the hook behind the driver’s seat and Mom asked him to take it down so she could see out the window. Well…. this is my husband’s work truck and he likes things the way he likes things – some of you may relate . Hey, I have no problem with that – I understand “work space”, but Mom did not. He explained to her that he had a meeting and didn’t want to forget his jacket and needed it looking good, etc.
Well that wasn’t good enough for Mom. She decided to move – or “try” to move – the jacket herself. After several attempts and much moaning and groaning she decided to give up on that idea. But my husband had a change of heart and moved the jacket while we were in shopping. He realized that it wasn’t worth being that stressed over a jacket.
I guess Mom had a change of heart too because when we were driving home she told my husband that he shouldn’t have had to move the jacket since it was his truck and he should have it his way. WOW! Where did that come from? Funny thing tho – on the drive home the sun was beating in the back window (where the jacket should have been hanging) right onto Mom – and we all know how Mom feels about the sun (as vampires say, “blah, blah blah, blah blah”) – and she was leaning over as far as possible to get away from it but didn’t dare say a thing.
Well Mom, I’m guessing right about now you wish you hadn’t had my husband move his jacket…. right?
What I Learned: We’ve got to try to get along and make adjustments – but we still need boundaries.
Note: OCD is an anxiety disorder and can be very serious for some people. As time goes on living with Mom, I realize it is a serious issue for her.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Thank Goodness for Sports Cars
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
This was a day I was going to spend with my husband – have some “us” time. I (unfortunately) mentioned to Mom that we were thinking of going to Denny’s knowing full well that she wouldn’t want to go because “that place that always makes me sick” couldn’t possibly be where she’d want to eat. WRONG! Funny thing tho, every time she goes there she orders so much food and takes home all the leftovers.
When we got home I knew my husband was ready to spend some “alone” time with me, so I got Mom settle into her place, made sure the Denny’s leftovers were in sight, and then (unfortunately again) mentioned that I was going to ask my husband if he wanted to go for a drive in the Porsche. Earlier I was telling Mom how much he loves that car but doesn’t drive it much, so I figured she’d understand. Funny Mom…. she sit’s on the bench in her kitchen (still holding her 5 lb purse) and says, “OK, I’ll just wait here to see if he wants to go – I’m coming, right?” Sorry Mom, the Porsche is a 2-seater. Right about now I’m thanking my husband for buying that car!
So off we went for our nice drive, just the two of us. I told my mom we were going for a short drive – BIG mistake… Ring, Ring! “Where are you? You said you were going for a short drive and it’s been a while – I was worried. Maybe you can just call me every time you’re going to be late, that way I won’t worry.” Aarrgh! What am I…. 12?!!
After that incident stressed me out, my husband told me that I shouldn’t be reporting to my mom every time we go out, or come home late, or basically anything. Just because she’s living next to us shouldn’t mean we have to start reporting to her. We never called her and told her our itinerary when she lived in Florida, why would we start now? That’s when I knew I had to have a talk with my mom – you know, “strike while the iron is hot” sort of thing.
So when we got home I stopped at my mom’s to have a little chat. I basically told her that I wasn’t comfortable having to report to her my whereabouts – I’ve never done that before and I was afraid that if I start doing that and then forget one time it would make things worse. I’ve never had to think about letting someone know what I’m up to and I just didn’t want to start. (Obviously if she were expecting us and we were going to be late or something, that would be different, but just normal day to day events is something that doesn’t need to be shared).
Sure it was difficult having that talk with her- she wasn’t a happy camper – but it had to be done. And yes, it probably came across nasty, but boundaries have to be set right from the start. I know from past experience that it’s harder to change something if you’ve started it than to not start it at all.
What I Learned: For you own sanity, tell it like it is – even if they don’t like it.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: A Truly Shitty Day
“This is supposed to be the time of my like – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Today was quite an interesting day – actually, it was a shitty day…. literally! I awoke very early to a horrible smell; I’m thinking, what could that possibly be? I opened the bedroom door and there all down the hallway were piles of shit…. dang dog! And what had she been eating??? Eewww! Usually my husband has the lucky task of picking up the dog doo, but I wasn’t going to wake him so early for this mess. So I got that all cleaned up, patted Whitney on the head and told her it was OK (she obviously wasn’t feeling well – poor thing), let her out back and jumped back into bed for what was left of my zzzz’s.
A few hours later I am awakened again – this time to the phone ringing next door at my mom’s (remember, our walls are attached). Of course she didn’t answer it – she never answers her home phone. I knew right away that my phone would be ringing next because the Lifeline people were going to call around 9 AM to let us know when they’d be stopping by to install her equipment. Yup, it was them confirming they’d be here around noon. Yay…. more snooze time! NOT! My mom knew that Lifeline would be there between 9 and 2, but what happened next was completely unexpected. Tap, Tap, Tap on our bedroom wall…. “Are you up?” Ughhh! Really? Ignore. Tap, Tap, Tap. OK, I’m up!
And just so you know, the OK, I’m up was in my head. My husband and I made one “absolute rule” – if my mom ever knocked on our bedroom wall or called us through the wall, we would ignore her. It’s like training a dog (bad example), it’s like teaching a small child – there have to be rules. Obviously if it were an emergency we’d treat things differently, but this was not.
So I got out of bed, put the coffee on and decided to give Mom a call on her cell to let her know when Lifeline would arrive. Straight to voice mail…. hhmmm, that’s weird, she has her cell with her at all times. OK, I’ll head next door and let her know. After I told her she asked why I didn’t just call her so she could have gone back to bed (geeze!). So I explained that I tried calling her cell but it went straight to voice mail. Then she said to me, “Oh, I think my cell phone is in the toilet.” WHAT? I ran to the bathroom to check it out – no phone in the toilet…. pheww! Then she says, “And don’t flush it because I already did and now the water is coming up to the top.” You’ve got to be kidding…. she flushed it?!!!
After my husband checked things out, sure enough the cell phone had been flushed. Three hundred and fifty dollars later, the plumber had pulled the toilet, dumped the toilet upside down in our courtyard, and “kerplunk”! Out flopped the cell phone. My mom actually wanted to keep it because “it is waterproof” (it was not), but once I told her it was covered in shit…. she declined. Off to Sprint to buy a new phone!
Oh, and the reason she dropped her phone in the toilet? California….. the toilets are lower!
What I Learned: There has to be rules. (Oh, and the toilets are lower in California!)
Caring For An Elderly Parent: The 5 Pound Purse
Mom is actually looking and feeling so much better than when she first arrived – it didn’t take long to figure out that she needed social and mental stimulation. And I think the new reading glasses we got her have changed her life – she can see! She even asked us to get her 3 more so she can spread them out around the house.
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned it in earlier posts, but my mom has this purse that she basically keeps everything important in… well, everything SHE thinks is important. I swear her purse weighs more than she does! Honestly, the purse is so heavy she looses her balance and I’m terrified she’s going to do a face plant one of these days. Everyone keeps telling her she needs to empty half the stuff out and get a smaller one – that thing is going to kill her!
So this was the night I was going to attack that purse – well sort of. We spent over an hour going through it trying to figure out what she really needs and what she could do without. Finally I said, “Mom, you’re a hoarder, admit it, you’re a hoarder!” But she’s in that “deny til you die” stage. She didn’t even want to part with a business card from Sears she’s had in there for the past 15 years – “I might want to buy a new TV from him, he was nice.” I explained to her that we most likely would not be back in Florida to buy a TV, but she argued that we might, and she could have it shipped out if the price was better (which I’m sure it would be since it’s not California!).
After a long debate, the business card finally went in the garbage. You can’t imagine the things she has in there – and most things are wrapped in paper towels so they are hidden (from unscrupulous characters, I presume) – like how hidden can they be? Just unwrap the paper towel!
So we weighed the purse before we went through it (her idea, not mine – probably to prove to me that it “doesn’t weigh a ton.”) – 6 pounds. And after we evacuated a few item? 5 pounds…. whoohoo!
It’s a start….
What I Learned: Bottom line…. my mom is stubborn!
Caring For An Elderly Parent: Is There An Upside?
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
So, I really think Mom is starting to like her new digs – she seems to be settling in quite well. She’s still apprehensive about being alone at night and asks me to stay “just 5 more minutes” every night. My husband says how proud he is of me for standing my ground and telling her “no”, but I just think I sound mean. There’s not really a nice way of saying no…. no matter how you say it, it’s still no, right?
My husband and I take nightly walks – mainly to destress and talk about what we are feeling and and how we can help each other deal with our new situation. I am so lucky to have my wonderful husband who is understanding and caring. I’ve talked with so many people who are in our same situation and they tell me it’s a real strain on their relationship. There is no way I want that to happen – my husband will always come first and I will always consider his feelings before I do or make any decisions concerning my mom. I can’t believe my husband is doing this for my mom – it’s a huge undertaking. Is that the right word? Undertaking? It just sounds so final!
The main thing I want is for my husband and me to have “our” life – the life we are supposed to have when the kids are grown and off doing their own thing. I’m afraid our life is going to be put on hold – I just hope we can enjoy it when we do get it.
Wow! This post is pretty negative. There has to be an upside to our situation…. I guess the upside is that my mom is so much better off being near us. I haven’t found an upside for me and my husband, but I’m working on it.
What I Learned: Having a supportive “significant other” is half the battle.
Caring For An Elderly Parent: That Costs How Much?
“This is supposed to be the time of my life – the nest is empty; but now Mom needs me.”
Mom has a hard time understanding prices of things – I’m pretty sure she’s still lost in the 50’s. The other day we went to Whole Foods to get her a few things but she just couldn’t believe how expensive everything was. And it was definitely way more expensive than Florida. Yup! That’s California for ya Mom. Even when she bought the exact same items she was used to buying in Florida she would tell me “it doesn’t taste the same – it must be California.”
The other day we took Mom to Dairy Queen – she was craving a cone from there because she used to go to one in Florida but hadn’t been in years. Now that we are taking her everywhere I think she wants to get everything she’s been missing. So we got there and she asked for a “baby size vanilla cone” which, of course, they don’t have because they did away with them in 1990! All they had was a small cone, which she agreed to buy, and pulled out $1.50 from her wallet. Whomp! She nearly fell over dead when she was told “that’ll be $3.89.” Well, as you can guess, the ice cream just didn’t taste like it did in Florida. That’s right Mom, in California they put the price up and take the taste out – damn Dairy Queen!
And I won’t even tell you how much the bill was for the dinner we had – Mom couldn’t believe it. And then she had to argue with my husband about how much of a tip to leave. Really Mom? A couple of bucks? You’re the one who wanted to go there.
I guess we’re going to Denny’s next time!
What I Learned: You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.
